


Texts from a Drunken STD Inquierer

by Crassostrea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Depression, F/M, Gay Male Character, Genderqueer Character, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Muggle AU, Multi, Pansexual Character, Texting, texting au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 18:26:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4315644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crassostrea/pseuds/Crassostrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus and Sirius make contact through a 'prank' and decide to see where it will lead, with a few twists and turns along the way.  Texting fic, modern!au muggle!au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Week 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So I've really been feeling these types of stories lately and since there are a shortage, I've started writing one of my own. Any similarities between this and other stories are completely unintentional and as always, JK owns Harry Potter and I own nothing.

_Remus_

**Sirius**

James

**_ Lily _ **

Peter

 

 

*Saturday Night*

_Erm, yes. Hello. I am with the European Center for Disease Control and we are currently doing a survey regarding the spread of STI’s and teenage intercourse.  Would you be willing to answer some questions about any burning you have or are experiencing in your genitals?_

**Well, no burning in this cock, at least not yet anyway.**

**I didn’t think the ECDC texted surveys, especially not this late**

**Prongs are you praNKING ME?**

**THROUGH TEXT MESSAGE? Whose phone did you steal?**

_Oh dear. My name isn’t ‘Prongs’ but I swear it was a dare._

_I’m glad though, um, about the lack of burning.  Congrats._

**You do realize that the reason people usually do this over the phone is because the number can’t be traced that way?**

**Like now I could just text you and ask you about your burning penis/vagina every day for the rest of your life.**

**You have given me power over you and that is something you never want.**

_My penis is also currently lacking any burning, but thank you for inquiring._

**I’ll let it slide if uv been drinking.**

**Goodnight syphilis boy**

*Sunday *

_Oh dear god don’t let that name stick_

_I’m so sorry_

_You were correct about the alcohol.  I hadn’t imbibed QUITE that much in a while._

**It’s already ur contact name. Sry worth it**

**And don’t worry about it. I’ve had pranks like 100x worse than that played on me.**

**It’s funny bc I don’t actually know you (I think) and that makes it better.**

_Erm, no, I don’t think we know each other.  My friend picked a random number for me._

_And I know it wasn’t very good, I’ve done much better I promise._

**Where do you live?**

_I know I’m the one who texted you first so there’s a very small chance that you’re a pedophile but still…_

**LIVE ON THE EDGE SYPHILIS BOY but I promise I’m 17.**

_I much prefer the safety of living OFF of the edge but I’m the same age, living in London currently._

_That’s unspecific enough for you to find me but I think answers your question_

**AHA but I’m also in London so that throws a wrench in THAT**

***

**Syphilis boy, I need ur advice**

**Let’s say, just for fun, that you threw a bag of rat tails from the dissection lab onto your dorm mate’s bed.**

**And then he decided to open it and throw it on your sheets**

**Can I clean it? Or will I have to burn it all? Hypothetically of course**

**bc I think I’m gonna vomit**

_Hypothetically?_

_I would tell you to never anger anyone you share a bedroom with.  They know your weaknesses._

_However, I’m going to say BURN IT ALL HOLY FUCK_

_Although you probably deserve it._

**I had to go to our head of house to get new linens.**

**I also got a week’s detention for stealing but Pete got NOTHING where is the justice in that?!**

**I didn’t ruin HIS bed**

_Is that Prongs?_

**No Prongs is James.  Peter is Wormtail, hence the bag of rat appendages.**

_He’s called Wormtail? That’s horrible._

**Ehh he secretly likes it I promise.**

**Hang on a mo’ I have to change my bed and the bottom sheet always gives me an issue.**

**Okay I’m back fuck I broke a sweat, and I did actually throw the sheets in the fire**

_Not used to changing your own sheets, are you?_

**Nope, my family had maids for that, but Prongs is slowly teaching me better.**

**Believe me, I was a right prat when I started school.**

**Jamie-boy knocked me down quite a few pegs over the years.**

_Maids? Really?_

**My parents like to flaunt their wealth…or shove it down people’s throats**

**Depends on your perspective, I guess.**

_They sound like the kind of people who have an entrance specifically for the help and sneer if you bring mud into the house._

**Nah they’d beat you if you brought mud into the house.  The sneer would be if you said “please” to the staff**

**“They are the HELP.  They are BENEATH US.  We pay them quite enough that they do not need you to ruin their training!”**

**Like they’re dogs or something I swear**

_I’m sorry, I know it’s none of my business, but are you…quite safe living there?_

**Oh, shit sometimes my fingers get away from my brain.**

**But yeah, when I was younger it could be bad but I board at school (obviously, hence the sheets) and I left over the summer when it got too intense**

**It’s really okay though, Prongs’ parents took me in.**

_Good, I’m glad._

_Not about your parents, obviously._

_But that you have somewhere safe to be._

_I’ve just realized that I have nothing to call you._

_Should I make up a name to rival ‘Syphilis boy’?_

**My mates call me Padfoot, so I think that should do it for now.**

**And I GUESS I can’t call you syphilis boy forever, either.**

_You and your friends have the strangest nicknames, I must tell you_

_But Padfoot it is._

_My friend always calls me Moony so I think that is a bit more appropriate for the moment._

**If you knew my real name my nickname would make a bit of sense.**

**But, Moony? Really?**

**It sounds as though you like to take your trousers down a lot**

_;)_

_Well maybe I do_

_No, it’s a long story with nothing to do with my naked bum. Thankfully.  That could be almost as bad as Syphilis Boy._

**Well, a boy can dream, can’t he?**

**I should get to bed Moon-pie.  I’ve got double maths first thing tomorrow morning and I wouldn’t want to oversleep for that**

_Goodnight Padfoot_

**Night Moony.**

*Monday *

**So what is your family like? You seemed pretty surprised about mine.**

_Oh, well, it’s much different from yours I suppose.  It’s me and my mum and her boyfriend, and we get on pretty well._

_My dad left when I was about 6 because he couldn’t really take it anymore, I guess._

_He sends me a card for Christmas and my birthday but I haven’t actually seen him since then._

_Not that I’m complaining, he’s an arse._

**What couldn’t he take anymore?**

_Oh. Um. Just family stress I guess._

_I don’t really remember and my mum doesn’t like to talk about it._

_Any particular reason?_

**I’m just curious about you I guess**

**I mean, it’s not every day that you get a stranger who both inquires about your dick health and is also a pretty good conversationalist**

_I’m never going to live that down, am I?_

**I’m literally going to remember that forever.**

**It’s probably a story that’ll come out when I drink, too**

_CHANGING TOPICS_

_So how was maths?_

**Oh it was pretty good**

**We’re in history now plotting school domination**

**Meaning the end of term prank**

_Shouldn’t you be…you know…paying attention?_

**You’re one to talk. Texting much?**

_You texted me first!_

_And besides, I’m on break right now._

_AND I record most of my lectures in case I miss anything._

**…**

**That’s genius.**

**I would never have to pay attention again.**

_I mean, that’s not really how it works._

_I still have to look like I’m learning something_

_My school’s just really…progressive…when it comes to technology and stuff.  They think it’s an incredible asset to us._

**You may not know me well yet, but I’m a charmer.**

**I’m sure I’ll have dear old Minnie eating out of the palm of my hand in no time.**

**In fact, I have Biology with her right after lunch.  I’ll ask her then! Thanks Moony**

_You’ve got quite a large ego, don’t you? And, Minnie?_

**Don’t worry, not as large as Prongs.  And Minerva McGonagall is my Head of House.  I like Minnie better.**

**She acts like she’s mad when I say it, but I know it really just makes her feel all warm and squidgy inside**

**Almost like a wee lass again**

_I’ve got Graphic Design now, talk later._

***

_You know what’s disgusting?_

**Wormtail’s breath?**

**Rat tails and juice all over your bed?**

**Watching Prongs try and talk to girls?**

**That ranks high on my list.**

**Am I close?**

_Well, no, although I would have to agree with you._

_Peanut butter and kipper sandwiches._

**Please tell me your school isn’t making you eat that…**

_No, but a friend of mine brought it from home._

_I don’t know what he was thinking._

_I can’t get the smell out of my nose_

**Oh god I think I’m going to be sick for you**

_I just want to eat my chocolate in peace. Now it feels tainted._

**…Did you only bring chocolate for lunch?**

_Well actually I almost always have chocolate on me_

_But I forgot to pack lunch today and the school food looks disgusting._

_So I’m content to eat chocolate_

**Moony I can’t tell if you’re exaggerating.**

_I mean that I literally have a compartment in my book bag for chocolate._

_Which is great because it makes the entire bag smell like it_

**Well, I had never met an addict until this day.**

**I’m sure there’s some sort of program for this…**

_Believe me—you’ve met an addict before.  We’re addicted to things we don’t even realize. Such is the modern world.  Such is the weakness of man._

**Are you always this deep, Moon-Moon?**

_Oh no, you bring out the best in me P. Diddy_

**HA! I bet you’re the kind of person who listens to folk music and reads Plato and Dante and Shakespeare and wears sweater vests. I bet you anything.**

_..._

_I hate you._

**I was RIGHT!**

_Well, not about the music bit._

_And I do also enjoy a good romance or mystery novel, as I don’t like to limit my literature choices_

_But I have been known to wear a sweater vest or two_

_ON OCCASION_

**Oh I bet.**

**On occasion.**

**Definitely.**

_Do not mock me sir! What about you then?_

**I’m super hardcore punk and that’s all you need to know. Talk later Moony, Bio.**

***

Um, Sirius?

**Yes my deer?**

First of all, fuck off. It’s bad enough you call me prongs because of that day

Second, who the fuck is ‘Syphilis Boy’ and do I need to take you to a clinic???

**Stop reading over my shoulder arsehole!**

Stop HITTING ME ow fuck

I’m just trying to be protective and shit

And if anyone gave you syphilis, I should know about it so I can have them killed for you

**Killed?**

Okay not killed. Maybe pranked. A lot.

**Relax, macho man. I’ve not met him**

**And apparently his dick is quite healthy, thank you very much.**

…then…

**OH because he prank texted me the other night to ask if my own dick was burning.**

**And the name has stuck!**

So you’re texting a complete stranger who asked to see your dick…

And who the fuck sends a prank text? 

**He didn’t ask to see it Prongs! He was just…making sure I wasn’t experiencing any pain**

**It was really thoughtful, if you think about it. And it was a drunken dare.**

He could be anyone Padfoot

**No, I trust him. He’s our age and lives in London**

Do you think he goes here??

**Nah, he doesn’t board where he goes to school.**

**Plus he said he was in graphic design before and he’s allowed to record his classes.**

**Those things aren’t here**

Just, watch yourself Padfoot, eh? 

Come on. I need to go to our room before McGoogy’s class.

**Yeah yeah whatever**

***

_So how did charming your darling Minnie go?_

**Sorry I was in detention**

**And not nearly as well as I had hoped**

**See**

**I thought I’d butter her up.**

**You know, give her a bit of a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek when I walked through the door.**

_Padfoot she’s your TEACHER_

**I often overstep professional boundaries.**

**But anyway, when I hugged her she turned her head to yell at me and I…missed her cheek.**

_…you didn’t._

**Right on the lips.**

**And our Headmaster had been in the room at the time.**

**But he thought it was hilarious and I’m pretty sure the wolf whistle I heard came from his direction.**

_So what happened then?_

**Well at that point, I panicked.**

_Naturally_

**So I jumped on her desk and screamed**

**“MY HEART BEATS ONLY FOR YOU MINNIE”**

**I thought it would diffuse some of the tension**

_I’m assuming she didn’t like that_

**Oh no, I got two more nights detention.**

**But I saw her smile before she started hollering at me.**

**It smoothed out some of her wrinkles.**

_…how old is Minnie, Padfoot?_

**I stole her purse once to get the keys to the dissection lab and her license put her at about 72.**

_There is so much wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin._

**Don’t worry about it Moony!!!!**

**How was your day?**

_Oh not nearly as eventful as yours apparently._

_I didn’t kiss any old birds._

_However, my mum made me hot chocolate tonight and I’m watching a movie in bed._

**You’re a fucking old man Moony.**

**What movie?**

_Oh…erm…Rocky Horror Picture Show_

**I LOVE THAT MOVIE**

**Moony Prongs just hit me**

_Was there any reason for it?_

**Well, you see, I have the soundtrack on my laptop, so I hooked it up to the speakers and put on Time Warp**

**Except he fell asleep like 20 minutes ago**

**And I don’t think he liked it when I jumped up on the bed to dance.**

**When I stepped to the right, his face was in the way.**

_You’re a child I fucking swear to god Padfoot_

**Prongs and Wormtail call me their badly behaved puppy.**

**James threatened to get me ‘fixed’ this time**

**But when I feel the music in me I just can’t help it!**

_I’m not really one for musicals. But the words in this are pretty funny._

_And Tim Curry can fucking get it._

**Moony**

**You don’t even understand**

**He’s so fucking hot.**

_Is…is this our roundabout way of coming out to each other?_

_Not that I want to assume or anything_

_I’m sorry if I did_

_Padfoot?_

**sORRY MOONY BUT I FORGOT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW QUEER I AM**

**Hello, my name is Padfoot and I’m so gay Prongs doesn’t know what to do with me most of the time.**

_[9:53 pm]: Hello, my name is Moony and you can fry an egg on my PAN-ness_

**Moony**

**That was literally the worst pansexual joke ever**

**I’m so disappointed in you.**

_[Sorry sorry I know, it’s actually an inside joke between me and my best friend._

_When I told her I was pan, she actually walked over to the fridge, got an egg, and cracked it on me._

_We then proceeded to throw them at each other until we ran out_

_I had to tell my mum we had a baking accident_

_I’m no longer allowed to bake without supervision and it’s all my friend’s fault. I’m actually quite good._

**I…I need to meet this woman.**

***

_Night Padfoot_

**Goodnight Moonbeam**

 

*Tuesday*

_Do you remember the random number you had me text? When we were drunk?_

**_ Vaguely? _ **

**_ Why?? _ **

_I’ve barely stopped texting him since._

_I don’t know what to do._

**_ Is he cute????? _ **

_I don’t know! I have no idea._

_He seems cute._

_He seems really cute but I’ve not seen a picture of him yet._

**_ Remus ask himmmmmmm _ **

_But wouldn’t that be weird??_

_He barely even knows me!_

_I feel like I’ve already let this get too far._

**_ If you’re that worried about it you should just tell him.  _ **

**_  Then if he stops talking to you, it’ll be less disappointing. _ **

**_ However _ **

**_  I doubt he would stop talking to you.  _ **

**_ You need to have more faith in yourself Moony, and more faith in me. _ **

_I really don’t think I’m ready for that yet._

_Maybe I’ll ask for a picture though. I’ll think about it._

**_ Oh, before I forget, I won’t be able to make it to your house this Friday. _ **

**_ This boy who’s been trying to get with me for ages invited me to a party _ **

**_ Maybe if I say yes he’ll give up for a while _ **

_That’s okay, I’ve been meaning to watch Titanic and I’m never watching it with you again._

**_ THERE WAS ROOM ON THE DEBRIS FOR BOTH OF THEM REMUS _ **

**_ HE DIED COMPLETELY UNNECESSARILY  _ **

_I refuse to get into this with you again_

**_ You know, you could always come to the party with me.  _ **

**_ Be my backup… _ **

_Very funny Evans.  I’ve got class and then work, I’ll talk to you later._

***

**MOOOOOONY MOON**

**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONY**

**Moony?**

_Hang on Padfoot, I’m at work. Talk later_

_***_

_Sorry, after my shift I had to study and my mum took my phone to make sure I didn’t ‘goof off’_

**That’s fine Moony. How was work?**

_Oh smashing._

_I love making macchiatos and espressos and lattes for teenagers all afternoon and don’t know how to order._

**You work at a coffee shop?**

_[9:42 pm]: Not really, it’s like a café my school owns on the campus._

_The upper years can work there for a bit of extra money if they want._

_It doesn’t make me rich or anything but it keeps me in chocolate._

**And that’s obviously all that matters**

_You catch on quick_

_Hey Padfoot?_

_I have a slightly awkward question_

**More awkward than asking if I’ve got an STD?**

_Shh_

_I was just wondering if you could…er…describe yourself to me?_

**Are you SEXTING me Moony?????**

_NO_

_I JUST MEAN_

_ugh_

_I feel weird talking to you all this time and having absolutely no idea what you look like._

**Is that something you’re worried about?**

_No, is it something you’re worried about?_

**Not at all Moon-crater.  Let’s see**

**My hair is black, and a little longer than my shoulders.  It’s luscious and full of body and every single person in the immediate vicinity is jealous of it.**

**You should be as well, just so you’re aware.**

**I’m thin, I guess, I mean I play footie and I run a lot so I’ve got some muscles.**

**At least, I look like a Greek God compared to Prongsie.**

**Oh and I’m not extremely tall. Like, I’ve topped out at 5’9.  But I wear big motorcycle boots to make up for it.**

**And my leather jacket.  Everyone’s too afraid to make fun of me for it.**

**I’m just the epitome of punk.**

**Oh and I’ve got grey eyes.**

**Honestly I’m just a beautiful beast.**

**Ur turn**

_Okay I guess it’s only fair._

_Um. I’m scrawny._

_Like really scrawny._

_I don’t play any sports._

_Or run._

_Or really even walk if I don’t have to._

_And I’m taller than you, but I’m not telling you by how much._

_My hairs short on the sides and back but longer on the top and er a bit curly I guess? It’s brown anyway, and so are my eyes_

_And you’ve already guessed about the sweater vests._

_But I also wear cardigans. They’ve basically taken over my closet._

_Oh. Plus glasses._

**That is literally exactly how I pictured you.**

_So…erm…not disappointed?_

**Not at all Moony.  Are you?**

_You sound beautiful._

_Shit I mean..._

**I’m blushing.**

**You made me blush.**

**I DO NOT BLUSH WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME**

_That doesn’t sound very punk_

**Shut it you. I’m going to bed before I embarrass myself. Goodnight**

*******

**HE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL**

**HE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL AND I’M BLUSHING LIKE A FUCKING VIRGIN**

**PRONGS WHAT DO I DO**

Does he know??

**No I just like described how I look to him**

**I can’t stop smiling**

**How do I deal with this without sounding like an idiot???**

Go to sleep before you make a fool out of yourself you damn dog

*Wednesday*

_Have you recovered yet?_

**Um yes. Yes I have.**

_I’m sorry, it just kind of came out and I didn’t mean to be so…forward._

**Nononono stop it honestly made my night.**

_Are you sure?_

**Yes I’m sure**

_But are you positive?_

**I’m positive.**

**Siriusly, don’t worry about it.**

_Alright alright alright_

_So the other day you mentioned something about an end of term prank?_

**OH YEAH! I forgot to tell you about it.**

**That’s why I was texting you yesterday afternoon.**

**I wanted your opinion**

**Okay so picture this.**

**In the last week of classes, Me, Prongs, and Wormtail are going to put gelatin mix into every toilet in the school in the middle of the night. You know, pretty harmless, but it’s just a warm up to prepare everyone.**

**Then, we’re going to fill all of the faculty’s cars with popcorn.  All the way up.**

**And finally at dinner, as everyone is sitting down to eat, they’ll realize the benches are covered in Vaseline. So is the floor under then benches, so when they try to walk away they’ll slip all over the place.**

**At which point we pull out the slip and slide.**

_The slip and slide?_

**The slip and slide.**

_Well, I see now my harmless little text didn’t even faze you.  But, two questions._

_Where the fuck are you going to get that much gelatin and popcorn??_

_And how can you get into their cars???_

_Is any of this even legal?_

**That’s three questions but**

**First of all, I know a guy.**

**And, well, strictly speaking there are some illegal bits thrown in there.**

**BUT we rarely get caught.**

**It won’t cause any lasting damage, except perhaps always smell of the cinema.**

_You’re incorrigible._

**Watch out or you’ll get me blushing again.**

_Oh fuck offfffff_

**I’m only teasing, my pale and luminescent satellite**

_Oh. Right._

**I must say adieu for now**

***

ALRIGHT TROOPS

**We’re not playing soldiers with you, Prongs**

Oh come on Sirius! Wormtail will play along, won’t you Wormy?

Ah, sure James.

Look at that Padfoot. That’s a true friend there

**Fine Fine you fuckwit.**

**Colonel Padfoot reporting for duty General Prongs SIR**

At ease men! 




We need to discuss the party on Friday.  

Wormtail, you are in charge of the food.  We need pastries and biscuits.  See if you can’t get any candy as well. 

 Padfoot, you are our in for alcohol. Whiskey, beer, vodka, rum.  

Lily-flower agreed to come and so this has to be the most epic party of the year.

**Evans agreed to come? How long have you been holding that one in Prongsie??**

Monday Night. 

I didn’t want to jinx it.  Wormtail, can you also get decorations?

What are you going to be doing then, Prongs?

I am going to be trying not to make a fool out of myself! 

Now MOVE OUT!

**Yeah…he’s going to need all the help he can get Wormtail.**

*******

**Moony oh m y g o d.**

**We’re having a party on Friday and Prongs actually got the girl he likes to come.**

**He’s been chasing after her for 5 years and she’s always said no.**

_5 years?! Either he’s the most stubborn bastard I’ve ever heard of or…no._

_He’s the most stubborn bastard I’ve ever heard of._

**That he is Moony. That he is.**

**So now I’ve gotten stuck with buying the alcohol for everyone.**

**I don’t even like this girl.**

_How come?_

**Well, it started with her never giving Prongs a chance.  But she hit me once! Granted, I probably deserved it, but still.  I had a black eye and everything!**

_Oh poor Padfootsie. Was the puppy hurt?_

**I’ll have you know it didn’t heal for weeks!**

_I’m sure it was very traumatic Padfoot._

**Right, I’m changing the subject to preserve my dignity.**

**How was your test today? Worth your mom taking your phone away last night?**

_Ughhhhhhh it was horrible._

_I hate chemistry. If I passed I’m going to be glad._

_The Professor is homophobic and such as arsehole._

_One time, he caught me kissing a boy outside and told my mother on me.  Tried to give her tips on how to “heal me”._

_Great way to come out, trust me._

**Fuck Moony.**

**That’s…really really fucked up.**

_Yeah._

_Thankfully she already had an inkling, said that she was just waiting for me to say something._

_Of course, I lost that opportunity because of Slughorn but I mean, I guess it worked out alright in the end._

_I know this is a sore subject for you so you totally don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but do your parents know?_

_I’m sorry, that was really tactless. Ignore me._

**No, no it’s fine.**

**They know.**

**They caught me in my room one day getting fucked by a kid from my school.**

**I know I told you I left, but really I got disowned after the “discussion” we had where they told me I could either live up to my name and quit that faggot business or disassociate myself forever.**

**That was after my father got a bit physical.**

**So, I left. I didn’t have any money on me so I walked 20 miles to James’ house.**

**His mom and dad took me to the hospital and then the next morning I got back to their house and they had decorated the guest room for me and bought me some new clothes.**

**It’s my own now.**

_I’m…I’m so sorry Padfoot.  Really, I shouldn’t even complain._

_Seriously that’s…god well I’m just so glad you’re safe now._




**Although I still have to see them when they come here to visit my brother.**

**They look right through me, but that’s better than having to be anywhere near them.**

**I’m going to go to bed though Moony.**

**I’ve got football practice early tomorrow.**

_Okay Padfoot. I’m sorry for bringing up any bad memories._

*Thursday*

_Good morning Padfoot_

_Padfoot?_

_I’m really sorry for last night, when you feel better we can talk about anything you like._

_I’m sorry._

_***_

Um, Moony?

_Yes, who is this?_

Ah, hi. It’s Prongs. 

I lifted your number off of Sirius’ phone in case of emergencies.

_…Sirius?_

Fuckkkk did you not know his name yet?

No. 

Focus James.

That’s not the point right now.  

Um…did anything happen yesterday?

_Um, he was telling me about his family and the night he got disowned._

_And then he said he had to go and he hasn’t answered me yet today._

Okay. 

Okay that explains it.

_Explains what? Is he okay??_

_I really didn’t mean to trigger him or anything._

No, it’s not your fault Moony.  

He gets like this sometimes. 

He’ll be okay, just wait for him to text you.  

He left campus and I couldn’t find him, but if it’s family issues I know where he went. 

Siriusly, thank you Moony. I’ll make sure he’s okay.

_Thank you for texting me, Prongs._

_And for letting me know what’s going on._

Anytime, mate.  

He should be back to his regular Padfoot self by tomorrow night.

***

Okay brother mine, I’m giving you 10 minutes before I come to carry your ass back to school.

**You don’t know where I am.**

Wanna bet?

**Fine. I’m leaving now.**

I’ll have tea and biscuits waiting.

*Friday*

**Moony I’m so sorry.**

_No Padfoot._

_Really it’s not your fault._

_I should be the one apologizing._

**No.**

**You had absolutely every reason to ask that question.**

**I should have at least explained before running off.**

**And it wasn’t just you I wasn’t answering, I swear.**

_No, I know._

_Prongs may have texted me asking if I knew what happened._

_I’m really sorry, I was just really worried about you and it seemed like he was too_

**Oh.**

**That’s how he knew where I’d be.  I**

**t’s alright though, really.  I understand.**

_He…erm…may have actually let slip your name._

_Not the entire thing, just your first name_

**MY SECRET IDENTITY!**

**Whatever will I do now?????**

_So…dog star, huh?_

**Of course you would figure that out right away.**

_My parents were...into mythology._

_My name comes from a myth, although not an astronomical one._

**I’m so fucking torn between asking you to tell me and trying to guess.**

_I’ll tell you if you want, but if you want to guess that’s also fine._

**Can I have a hint? I don’t want you to tell me it though**

_Um there’s a set of names._

_They were twins._

_I have one of them._

_That’s all you’re getting._

**Yeah, I can’t get it right now.**

**I’m going to have to text you later though Moony, it’s time to get things together for the party.**

**Talk later?**

_Talk later, Sirius_

_***_

What’s got you so happy over there, lover boy?

**He called me by my name.**

**I just…he makes me smile, okay?**

God you’ve already Got It Bad. 

Now you can’t even say any shit about me and Lily anymore.

**Hey…it’s not like I’m sitting there staring at him from across the classroom or anything muttering about how soft his skin looks and how I can’t wait to braid his hair.**

**That’s not on, mate.**

Oh, shut up and go get me alcohol

**Your wish is my command**

***

**mOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONy**

_Padfoot? You okay?_

**Moony I drank a lot.**

**And I’m drinking more right now.**

**I’m taking shots with a Russian**

_Maybe you should, ah, slow down Sirius._

**I loooooove qwehn u say ny name Moooooony**

**It mqakes mrr smilr**

**I fint smile rnougf**

_Well, I’m happy I can make you smile more. You deserve it, okay?_

**hokayyyyyy**

**wat r u doinggds moon**

_I’m watching Titanic, and apparently not having nearly as much fun as you are._

**JACKC SHOULDN’T HAVR DIEDDDDDDDDDDDDD por choice f prop, couldve git themmr bothdf**

_Yes, that’s what my best friend said too_

**Hanffffffff on…I’m gonn get jfme nd Prongsie todo thse danse**

**u no dhe dance? W/ Rose > I’m gonsn do thaat ON THE TAB:E**

_You do that dance Sirius.  Just don’t fall off the table please._

_I don’t want your pretty face to get broken._

**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYY stp[[[[[[[[[[[[[ u made me bkvluxhhhhhhhhhhhh**

**Niiiiiiiiiighhhhhrty ngihgt saikor yum**

*Saturday*

_GOOD MORNING MR. SUNSHINE!!_

_HOW WAS THE REST OF THE PARTY???_

_DANCING QUEEN_

**fuck.**

_oh yes._

**Please let me go back to sleep before I vomit on wormtail**

**I don’t know why he’s in my bed**

_Go back to sleep, I’ll be around later._

_Kick Wormtail out though, I’m sure he has his own bed._

**Soooo cuddly though..**

***

**I’ve officially thrown up three times, drunk 4 cups of coffee, 2 of tea, and I still feel dead.**

**Dead dead dead.**

**And now Minnie wants me in her office and I have no idea why.**

**I haven’t even pulled any bad pranks lately…**

_For the party last night, maybe?_

**maybe…I dunno.**

**It’s weird to be on a Saturday.**

**Speaking of the party last night though, wow.**

**Wowza.**

**Wormy got me and James doing the Titanic jig party dance on the table, I’ll have him send it to you later it’s fucking glorious.**

**I think I even went on pointe at one…point**

**Ha**

_I need to see this. I have never needed anything more._

**Hang on, Minnie time**

***

**Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck**

**Moony please answer**

_Sirius? What’s wrong???_

**Okay there’s something I need to tell you first.**

**Well you know how I told you I’m gay?**

**And my family disowned me?**

**Okay well that wasn’t really all of it.**

**I don’t know if you’ve heard of, um, someone being genderqueer or not.**

**But um I don’t really feel ‘male’ all of the time, and I don’t feel ‘female’ all of the time but sometimes it’s one or the other or a combination of the two depending on the day and I’ve taken to, you know, wearing the girl’s uniform sometimes and I borrow makeup and some of my girlfriends do my hair for me but um my brother.**

**I’ve mentioned my brother?**

**He goes here, he’s younger than me.**

**And.**

**And he told our parents.**

**And they showed up in McGonagall’s office.**

**And I fucking can’t breathe.**

**They threatened me, until Minnie threw them out but I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.**

**And James’ parents don’t know and I don’t want to hide anymore Moony, especially from then but what happens if they don’t want me either???**

_Oh fuck Sirius._

_It’s okay, I promise it’s going to be okay._

_What can I do?_

**Can I call you? Please?**

**I know it’s only been a week but I need to talk to someone and I ran away from James.**

_I…I’m sorry Padfoot but I can’t_

**Oh…well um I understand if you’re busy and all.**

**I get it.**

_No, fuck, Padfoot that isn’t it._

_I’m not busy I just…_

_can’t._

**I see how it is.**

**I...thought you were different Moony.**

**I really did.**

_No Padfoot_

_wait_

_please._

_Just let me explain_

**You don’t have to.**

_No. nononono wait_

_Sirius please_

_FUCK_

 


	2. Week 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting answers, getting interviewed, getting embarrassed, getting new clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Okay this is much much later than I planned.  
> I got mad at the format, so I've gone back through the first chapter and edited it to take out the time stamps, plus I changed some wording in different parts and when it take place (April instead of September).  
> ANYWAY  
> Here's chapter 2, I hope everyone enjoys and let me know what you think!  
> Thank you for all the reviews you gave me for the last chapter, I appreciate all of them.  
> This is my NaNoWriMo project so hopefully I'll get more done of it.

_Remus_

**Sirius**

James

**_ Lily _ **

***

**CHAPTER TWO**

*Sunday*

_Padfoot please, I promise I have an explanation for you. I promise I don’t care what your gender is._

_I barely know you but I still want to support you no matter what._

_Please. Don’t let my inability to explain things correctly ruin this…whatever this is._

***

_Prongs, please listen to me._

_Whatever Sirius told you, it didn’t come out correctly._

_Please, please can you convince him to give me a chance to explain?_

_I know he’s really hurt right now, but when he calms down?_

Why should I? He’s a wreck right now.  

Which obviously isn’t completely your fault but he really doesn’t need anything added to it.

_Because…I really would never do anything to purposefully hurt him._

_I really do have a reason for not being able to talk to him on the phone._

_I just…I just need a chance. Please Prongs._

I’m not promising anything, but I’ll talk to him.  

You better not give me any fucking reason to doubt you.

_I won’t James I swear to God._

_***_

_Lils?_

**_ Whats up Rem? _ **

_You remember that boy I was talking to?_

**_ How could I not? You only never stop mentioning him… _ **

_Well something happened._

_He was freaking out because his parents found out he’s genderqueer and he then came out to me and asked me if he could call him but I COULDN’T and he didn’t give me a chance to properly explain so now he thinks I’m some bigot or something and I tried getting Prongs to talk to him but even he can’t promise anything._

**_ Okay I know this isn’t the point right now…but…how do you know Prongs? _ **

_Well he’s Sirius’ best mate, and we’ve spoken a couple times through messaging…_

_…How do you know Prongs?_

**_ MYSTERY BOY IS SIRIUS BLACK??? _ **

**_ And…well, you remember that party I went to Friday?  _ **

**_ That was James’ party.  _ **

**_ We go to school together. _ **

_You’re the girl James has been trying to ask out for 5 years?_

_PUNCHED Sirius??_

**_ Alright let’s get back to the important point here… _ **

**_ So Black thinks you’re a bigot, because he didn’t give you any chance to explain. _ **

_It wasn’t his fault, he was really upset already and I really should have told him earlier. I just don’t know what to do Lily. Help._

**_ Don’t worry Remus, I’ll talk to Potter.  _ **

**_  I won’t tell him anything, though. I promise. _ **

_Thank you Lily. I owe you so fucking big for this._

***

Lily-flower? 

Did you…did you just text me first?

On purpose?

**_ This isn’t a social call Potter. _ **

**_  I need to talk to you about Remus. _ **

Remus? Who’s Remus?

**_ MOONY Potter MOONY _ **

Padfoot’s Moony? 

How do you know about him?

**_ I hope I know about him…I gave him the nickname.   _ **

**_ Look, we’ve been friends since we were like, 3. _ **

**_  Our mothers belonged to the same church group and we’re still really close.   _ **

**_ He doesn’t go here so I spend the night at his on the weekends a lot. _ **

**_ But you need to talk to Black.  _ **

**_  It really isn’t Remus’ fault and I haven’t seen him this upset in years.  _ **

**_  Don’t make me beg Potter. _ **

But I like when you beg, Evans.

Okay okay I’ll talk to him.  Just for you. It might take a while though.

**_ If you do good on this, I’ll go on a real date with you. _ **

…You better believe I’m holding you to that.

***

_Okay so it’s a long story so the only thing I can ask is that you let me get to the end to say anything._

_Okay._

_So I have to go back a while. Like. 12 years._

_When I was 5, my mum took me to the hospital because she noticed a lump on my back next to my spine._

_So I was in hospital for a while getting tests done_

_They determined that it was neuroblastoma, which is a type of cancer that is most prevalent in kids under 10._

_They operated to remove the lump but they weren’t able to get it all_

_So, they started me on chemo._

_There was a bunch of different drugs they used, but the main ones were cisplatin, cyclophosphamide, doxorubican, and etoposide._

_The thing is, cisplatin is shit and has a lot of really bad side effect including nerve damage. It can cause ototoxicity in the ears and, well._

_You lose your hearing._

_What I’m trying to say, Padfoot, is that_

_Well_

_I couldn’t talk on the phone with you because I’m Deaf, Sirius._

_Some people can regain their hearing after taking cisplatin, but I wasn’t one of those people._

_I should have told you sooner, I know.  And you have every reason to be upset at me because I misled you._

_I just._

_Was afraid and selfish._

_It was so nice, because everyone always knows I can’t hear as soon as I meet them and think I’m something that needs to be fixed or that I can’t do anything for myself, which is the furthest thing from the truth_

_But I shouldn’t have done it at your expense._

_I’m sorry._

**So. When you said you didn’t like musicals? Or Folk music?**

_It’s kind of hard to like something you have no experience with…_

**I’m a dick.**

**I’m an over-dramatic, conclusion-jumping dick.**

**I’m so fucking sorry Moony.**

_You have literally nothing to apologize for though. It’s my fault. I should have told you._

**You didn’t tell me for the same reason I didn’t tell you I like to wear make-up and dresses.**

**But this is the shit that makes us who we are.**

**I feel like I was just thrust into a whole new Moony-centric world and now I can get to know you without all these fucking secrets.**

**Can I. Um. Ask you some questions?**

_Of course you can, ask me whatever you want Sirius_

**This is really stupid though**

**How do you…watch movies…?**

_Well, I use subtitles. So I technically READ my movies._

_It’s like a moving picture book._

_[2:25 pm]: Honestly it’s a good thing I like to read, otherwise I’d be screwed.  There wouldn’t be anything fun to do._

**And, what about your job?**

_...What about my job?_

**Like…how do you understand the people that order? I know you said they didn’t know how to…**

_OH right! I go to a school for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing._

_Everyone there signs._

_That part isn’t the issue._

_The ISSUE is that goddamn teenagers can’t fingerspell ‘macchiato’ or ‘espresso’ when it’s right in front of their fucking faces_

_There’s no need to be lazy._

_Spell it right and then I’ll make it right._

**You are…very passionate about this.**

_It’s basic spelling, Padfoot._

_The next time someone spells cappuccino wrong I stg I’m going to lose it._

**You could just give them a latte instead. I doubt they’ll know the difference and it may make you feel better.**

_You…you know the difference? But that is subtle and genius._

**Of course I do, Moony.**

**Cappuccino is made in thirds of espresso, steamed milk, and foam.**

**A latte is mostly steamed milk.**

**I, however, drink black coffee because it’s punk**

**And tastes like shit.**

**But that makes my ability to drink it even more hardcore.**

_You have no idea how happy you just made me._

**Was that all it took?**

**I should have impressed you with my coffee knowledge from the beginning if I knew it would make you**

**…foam your pants.**

_That was so bad I might take back how highly I thought of you_

**Lighten up Moony-face**

**Honestly I really only know it because the girl Prongs is obsessed with really likes her coffee**

**So he made us quiz him on coffee-related shit in case he ever got the chance to take her to a coffee shop**

_Well, apparently he’s getting that chance._

**…What do you mean?**

_Prongs didn’t tell you? Lily…she’s actually kind of my best friend?_

_Like we’ve known each other forever._

_Whenever she leaves on weekends, she comes to my place._

_Like, she was with me when I got diagnosed with cancer and when I lost my hearing._

_She always made me teach her every new sign I learned as soon as I learned it._

_She’s almost as fluent as I am._

_Long story short, I was really upset and I used you and Prongs’ names and it turns out she knew you all?_

_And she made a deal with James that if he got you to talk to me she would go out with him._

**She must love you a whole fucking lot if she agreed to go on a date with James for you, especially over me.**

_She does. She really does.  I do have a question for you though_

**Yes dear?**

_Does Lily have your number?_

**No, no no no.**

**I don’t mean any of this offensively because I know she actually is a good person and I’m glad you have her as a friend**

**But because of the stuff with James we never really got along.**

**Plus there was that time she punched me…so…no we never chatted on the phone.**

_Okay, because I dunno it just seemed like such a big coincidence that you go to school with her and it was your number she gave me._

_She always says I don’t have enough friends lol, I thought maybe she was setting me up in her own little way._

**No, just the universe was.**

_I have to go Padfoot, but are we okay now?_

**We’re more than okay Moony.**

_Okay, just checking._

***

_Okay so I have an idea_

_Are you busy?_

**Nope whats up**

_I still feel like shit over the other night_

_Because you very obviously needed someone to talk to_

**Moony really it’s okay**

_Like this may not even be that good of an idea_

_But…I am ABLE to speak._

_Like, I learned English before I lost my hearing and my mom put me into speech therapy before I got BSL tutor._

_So even though I’m pretty fucking useless at lip reading_

_We can like_

_Try a video chat_

**If I were anyone else I’d probably make an omegle/penis joke at video chat**

**But yes. Yes this sounds like a really really good idea.  As long as you don’t mind**

_Just…give me a minute._

_Don’t be afraid to ask me to repeat something if you can’t understand me_

_I don’t use voice very often_

_And try to talk slow and enunciate.  This is really innaccurate and you seem like someone who jabbers_

_No offence_

_*VIDEO CALL FROM MOONY*_

**“Hello?”**

_“Hi Sirius”_

**“Oh my god your pajamas have skeletons on them! Punk Rock Moony!”**

_“I was right, you do jabber.  I got the last bit. You might want to get a pen and paper just in case because I wasn’t joking about how bad I am.  It’s only like, 30 percent accurate.”_

**“Sorry, sorry, sorry. I promise, I’m planning to learn sign language. I just haven’t…had very much time.”**

_“I mean, you barely know me.  You really don’t have to do that.  I don’t even know what we are…”_

**“Well, I figure that for now we’re mates. But maybe..”**

_“Maybe?”_

**“Maybe we could be…more than friends? One day.  When we know each other a bit better?”**

_“Padfoot, you’re cute.  Don’t be so nervous, I wouldn’t have tried to make up with you so hard if I didn’t think that could be a possible…eventuality. And I like your face.”_

**“You like my face?”**

_“It’s so…expressive. It’s like I can read what you’re thinking.  That will help you with BSL, you know.  Everything is visual and showing emotion makes it easier to understand meaning.”_

**“Fuck…I’m already such a terrible liar.”**

_“Terrible…tire?”_

**“No, _liar_. Sorry”**

_“Just use the paper Padfoot…oh LIAR.  I’m sure you are.”_

**“I still have another question to ask you Moony.”**

_“And what would that be?”_

**“Um. What’s your name?”**

_“Oh, shit. I forgot.  Even James knows it already. Okay now promise not to make fun?”_

**“My entire family is named after fucking stars.  You have nothing to worry about.”**

_“Okay well it’s Remus.  Remus Lupin.”_

**“Do I need to shut you in during the full moon?”**

_“Shut up.  My mom has a thing for wolves because of our surname.  There are statues and plushies all over my house. Not that I really mind, it’s better than like…cow statues.”_

**“What have you got against cows?”**

_“My Uncle has some and when I was little they made me milk one.  The milk squirted in my eye and I knocked the bucket over which frightened the cow, and well, I spent the rest of the day rebuilding the fence instead of getting to ride the horses.  Cows are disruptive and rude.”_

**“Oh, very rude Moony.”**

_“Don’t patronize me!”_

**“I’m not! Shit, hang on a second.”**

**“Apparently me trying to enunciate actually was me screaming so Evans came down to tell me off and she wants to talk to you. “**

_“Uhh…”_

**_ *Moon, can you please try not to wake the entire dorm up?* _ **

_*I did nothing!*_

**_ *You encouraged him and none of us need that. Don’t make me angry.*  _ **

_*He’s really pretty, Flower*_

**_ *I may not like him very much, but you should see him in tights and a leather dress, my god* _ **

_*Be thankful he can’t understand you right now.  Now let me look at him again you witch*_

**_ * I’ll see you this weekend, don’t forget about me.* _ **

**“So…uh…should I go now?”**

_“No…we can talk for a couple more minutes I think”_

**“What was all that about?”**

_“She was just complimenting me on my great taste”_

**“Ha ha very funny, I’m sure she was. So how did you spend your night tonight?”**

_“Well, I read a book for a bit and then went to dinner with some friends from school and then came back here and watched Dead Poets Society”_

**“That is 100 percent a movie I’d imagine you watching.”**

_“Oh Captain my Captain?”_

**“I wonder what would happen if I got my entire class to do that during Minnie’s tomorrow…”**

_“I swear you want to be expelled.  If you do it try to send a video, I want to see her reaction. And you never sent me that video of you dancing the other night. I’m very disappointed.”_

**“Your wish is my command.  I should probably warn you that I get very…into the dancing when I’m drunk”**

_“Do I get to see you shake your hips? I bet that would make a good video”_

**“Mooooooony no stop.  I won’t send it to you if you do that.”**

_“Do what?”_

**“Look at me like I’m a piece of chocolate...”**

_“Well let’s just say I was extrememly right when I called you beautiful the other day.”_

**“What did you just sign to yourself?”**

_“Well..you seemed uncomfortable with me saying it so I just…expressed my desire to eat chocolate.”_

**“Oh god no I’m going to blush again.  That’s it, get off the phone. You’re not allowed to see this.  Goodnight Moony!”**

*Tuesday*

**Goodmorning My Fair Mooney**

_Well hello Padfoot._

_You know what I realized?_

**What?**

_You seem to go to bed embarrassed a lot_

_Do I really make you blush that much?_

**Do you really want me to answer that?**

_Would I ask otherwise?_

**Oh god you’re one of those people**

**Needing an answer to everything and such**

**Yes you make me blush that much**

**Just ask James that shithead points it out every time.**

_I’m sorry Sirius, I could stop?_

**NO**

**I just**

**I’m not used to it yet**

**But I definitely could get used to it**

**It is, however, hilarious that you sign to yourself**

_Hmm well, like I said, it’s a very visual language_

_And my friends and I are in the habit of saying anything that pops into our heads_

_I have basically no filter_

_Sorry_

_It’s just how it happens._

**No that’s okay, I get it.**

**Can I ask more questions that you’ve probably been asked a million times?**

_I’ll let you be my million and one Pads_

**Okay so I was researching**

**And sign language has a different grammar structure than English**

**Obviously**

**So not to be impolite**

**But how do you write so well?**

_Oh_

_Well, I said that I became deaf after I had already been speaking and such_

_So it isn’t my first language_

_I learned English first, and the grammar of it_

_And BSL is my second language, technically._

_Plus all the speech classes_

_Well, I’ve had a lot of training in English._

_My mom really wanted me to do well in school, and that’s harder if you don’t know English grammar._

_So here I am_

**Ah**

**Okay for some reason I didn’t think of that**

_Padfoot, people usually don’t look anything into my language_

_I appreciate you making an effort_

_So many people are misinformed or too reliant on stereotypes_

_Like that lip reading is easy_

_People are collectively stupid._

**They are.**

**So**

**I was also wondering**

**If**

**Maybe**

_Spit it out, Sirius Jesus_

**Well**

**Okay**

**James and Lily are going on their date on Sunday**

**And I have to chaperone**

**And so I was wondering if you wanted to maybe come with us,**

**Not as a date with me, but maybe as a “Get to know you”**

**And James can mutually chaperone us**

**If you want**

_Are you sure it’ll be okay with the two of them?_

**Do you really think that Lily would want to be alone with Prongs for any extended amount of time?**

_Okay_

_Okay_

_We can do this_

_Not that we only started talking a week ago_

_That isn’t too fast, is it?_

**Moony you’re going to university in a couple of months.**

**You’ll be meeting people all the time**

**I think we can meet**

**Right?**

_Right_

_Right?_

_Sorry_

_Just_

_Nervous_

**Just nervous?**

_And excited, of course_

_I wouldn’t have said yes otherwise_

_There would be no benefit_

**I’m a benefit?**

_I’m beginning to think otherwise._

_***_

**So, what were your thoughts on that video I sent you?**

_How in god’s name did you get your feet to do that?_

**Practice practice practice**

**I took ballet for years, it was great.**

_I’m surprised your parents let you honestly_

**Well, they weren’t around a lot and I spent a lot of time with my cousins, all girls all in ballet**

**If they wanted people to watch me it was kind of a necessity.**

**My baby brother was in it as well but he didn’t like it quite as much**

_Poor baby brother_

**I don’t know, I think he’s a bit of a sellout**

_He’s probably that too._

_I have work, and then homework again so I don’t imagine I’ll be able to talk much tonight_

_Have sweet dreams tonight, Sirius Black ballerina extraordinaire._

**Known me for so short a time and yet can already sum me up in less than 5 words**

**Idiot man**

**I’ll talk to you tomorrow**

*Wednesday*

                      Sirius was on a mission.  He had checked the Great Hall, the library, the footie field, and basically everywhere else he could think of but he couldn’t find Evans anywhere.  After an hour of searching, he finally got a tip off of Prongs that she generally sat by the lake after breakfast on Wednesday mornings (which reinforced Sirius’ already deep fear that Prongs’ obsession had crossed into stalking).  Therefore, he currently found himself rushing back outside to try and catch a flash of red hair before the bell rang for class.  As luck would have it, Evans was still sitting beneath the willow tree and munching on an apple with a thermos of tea clenched between her legs.

“Evans! Evans”

“Black, it’s too early for this,” her head had whipped around as soon as she heard him approaching; Sirius, being Sirius, had broken into a run and started shouting as soon as he saw her. 

“Your highness, I really need to speak to you.”

“About what, Black? Pray tell.”

“Actually I need a favor,” Sirius mumbled while looking down at his feet, kicking a rock that sat there into the lake with surprising power.  At the sound of the plop his head popped up again to look Lily in the eyes.”

“Impressive distance,” Lily remarked with a slight nod of her head, but her mouth remained in a scowl. “Now really, what do you need? We’re going to be late for classes soon and it may not bother you but I have yet to join your silly club of miscreants.”

“I got Moony to come on our date Sunday and—“

“OUR date? Last time I checked it was James and I, and even that is pushing it…”

“Look, James needs a chaperone to make sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself.  You’re really going to appreciate me halfway through when he attempts to propose to you on bended knee, I promise.  But Moony is coming too! So it’s going to be more of a double date…well, more of a date mixed with a get-to-know-you coffee. However, you can imagine there is a slight problem…”

“You have absolutely no way to talk to him.”

“Well, exactly. And so, I was wondering if you’d be willing to…help me?” Sirius asked, putting on his best puppy dog face.  He even went a step forward and rested his chin on his hands, creating his most exaggerated look of angelic sincerity.  Lily took one look at him and sighed while shaking her head.  Score.

“I can’t teach you to sign in four days, it’s physically impossible, Black.”

“I know! I know that.  I just thought maybe some common things he uses a lot, or might come up that I could use! Or even tips on what he usually does with those who can’t sign to make it easier on him.  I don’t know, I just really don’t want to think I’m not making an effort.”

“Why are you even doing this, Sirius? Why does it matter? He’s just some boy who texted you.”

“He’s just, different.  His eyes are pretty.”

“That’s it? His eyes are beautiful? Look Black, this is my best friend we’re talking about.  He deserves _everything_ in the world and I’m not letting you anywhere near him until you tell me why he’s special.”

“He dresses like an old man while simultaneously asking me about my penis.  He eats chocolate so much I’m almost sure he’s going to reek of it but I can’t even be bothered about it because he has an entire COMPARTMENT set aside for it and that shows more dedication that I know.  He makes me blush and he calls me beautiful and I’m dying to know more about him Lily. Please.”

Lily brightens up a bit so that she has an almost-smile forming, which is more than Sirius has ever gotten in his life.  The bell rings overhead and Lily starts walking, gesturing for Sirius to catch up with her and walk by her side.

“If you’re really serious about this—“

“I am, figuratively and literally.”

“Don’t make me take this back.  Based on your evaluation, I’m willing to set aside two hours a night until Sunday to help you. We can meet after dinner in the library, if you can manage to find it.”

“Thank you Evans! Really, thank you. I promise I’ll be on time and everything!”

“Famous last words.  And Black?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for punching you. See you tonight.”

                      With that, Lily walked down the hall to her first class leaving a shell-shocked Sirius in her wake.  Not only had he gotten her to say yes, she apologized.  Lily Evans has never once admitted she was wrong.  Not that time that she bought the exact same necklace as him, not the time she got a better grade in English, and not when she sat in the seat he had recently vacated (but was completely planning on going back to, which totally counts, Wormtail agreed).  Perhaps there is a first time for everything.  Hearing the warning bell, Sirius ran in the opposite direction with a grin glued to his face.

***

**Remus**

**Remus**

**Remus**

**Moony**

**Moon**

**Moo**

_Padfoot_

**Hi!**

_Hi Sirius_

**Tell me about yourself!**

_…What_

**I want to know about you**

_You already know about me, Sirius_

**I want to know more**

_You’ll be finding out more on Sunday_

**No, I’ll be finding out EVEN more on Sunday.  The first round of finding things out is now**

_Right now?_

**Right now.  Get to it**

_Is this at least a mutual interview?_

**If you want it to be, I suppose**

**Now!**

**Favorite color!**

_Maroon_

_Favorite song?_

**He whipped my ass in tennis so I fucked his ass in bed.**

_…Wh—what?_

**Joking**

**Take Me to Church**

_Oh just about the same thing then, huh?_

**You catch on quick**

**Favorite video game?**

_Sims. The third, not the fourth.  I bought it and then read the reviews and sent it right back. Plus I have about 20 expansion packs and it would have equated to deleting my life._

_Coffee or tea?_

**I’ve never played, is it really that good? And coffee in the morning, tea every other time of the day.**

_Is that your question?_

_It’s great. Maybe I’ll let you play with me one day.  There’s something powerful about having absolute control over a person._

**Oh…oh yeah?**

_You can even make them wet themselves. Fantastic._

**Yes, I’m sure that is ABSOLUTELY where you were going with that. I’m convinced.**

_I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, Padfoot._

**For that I get another question.**

**Can you French braid?**

_You think I could be friends with THE Lily Evans and not know how to French braid?_

_I learned before I can even remember_

_I’m a pro with my hands._

_They’re very flexible…it really helps with holding all the strands._

**And you’ve tried to call me incorrigible.**

**I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard**

**I can’t do it.**

**I wanted to braid flowers in so bad.**

**It’s spring, there’s so many of them**

_Is this your subtle way of asking me if I’ll braid flowers into your hair, Padfoot?_

**No! Just…mentioning how inept I am. If you are…not inept… I can’t help that.**

_So you get to play Sims with me and I get to braid your hair, this doesn’t seem even to me._

**I’m sure I’ll think of a way to pay you back…………**

_I’m going to let that go for now_

_Just for now._

_Favorite season?_

**Springtime! I’ve already mentioned the flowers, silly Moony**

_Silly me_

**What’s yours?**

_Fall, I like leaves.  And fall means it’s warm enough for hot chocolate._

**It’s always chocolate with you.**

**Chocolate or sex?**

_Oh_

_Oh no_

_Don’t do that_

**You have to answer, it’s the rule**

_You know that episode of Friends?_

_Where Joey wants girls on bread?_

_I want people on chocolate_

_A chocolate person sandwich_

_Dipped in chocolate._

_Do you watch Friends?_

**DO I WATCH FRIENDS**

**Does owning the entire box set and winning every game of Friends trivia mean that I watch Friends?**

**Yes**

**Yes**

**I watch a lot of Friends**

**Favorite Character????**

_Oh gosh uhhhhhhhh It’s a really close tie between Chandler and Joey_

_Wbu_

**10000% Phoebe.  There is no more perfect woman than Phoebe.**

_Friends is on Netflix_

_We have a reason to Netflix and Chill_

**One of my friends legit thought that meant watch Netflix and hang out**

**She’s an RA at University**

**And one of her residents had it written on a white board on his door**

**And so she walked in and started asking him his favorite Netflix shows and planning a night to hang out.**

**Poor girl got a surprise when we explained**

**She just wanted to get to know her residents**

_Oh my god_

_Imagine if she brought popcorn??_

_How would he have taken it?_

**I mean, no one looks attractive when they eat popcorn**

**I shove it into my face like an animal**

_I think everyone must eat popcorn like that._

_I get it everywhere._

_That night I always end up pulling it out of my pants_

_The popcorn, that is_

_I don’t even know how it gets in there._

**And then it gets stuck in your teeth for a week, it’s lovely.**

**The popcorn, that is.**

_Oh god. That would be horrible????_

**Mooooooooony now I want to have a movie night but I have to go on a secret mission soon.**

_A secret mission? Sounds vague_

**Well it’s a surprise! So it’s going to remain vague byyyyyye Moon-bell**

_Bye?_

_***_

                      Lily was about to walk out of the library by the time Sirius finally came running up.  He had, of course, become much too engrossed in his lovely conversation with Moony and completely forgotten about that one thing he had wanted to do FOR Moony.  But he wasn’t that late.  “…James would have been later,” he mumbles to himself while enduring a scolding from Evans that he knows he really deserves.

“Yes. Yes I’m sure James would have been later and you tell that bugger that if the two of you aren’t at that coffee shop by 11 a.m. sharp Sunday morning I refuse to wait.”

“What if Moony wants to wait?”

“Remus is a big boy.  He can go on a date with the two of you if he wants.  Hell, he’s probably have a better time with Potter than I would.”

“You keep saying things like this, Evans, but I hope you realize that I see you smile at him when he slumps away from you utterly encompassed by desolation because his “Lily-flower” doesn’t believe in him.  I think you do believe in him. And I think you are much more excited for this date then you’re letting on.”

“You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, Black.”

“You wanted to give me the Remus talk so now I’m giving you the James talk.  That boy may be an immature idiot who still has his mum send meals to him. Not that I blame him.  His mother makes the most delicious Curry I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.  But the point is, he can be thoughtless and a bit dim sometimes but he’s absolutely crazy about you and probably the sweetest guy in the actual entire world.  He’s going to be doing everything he can to try impress you, despite me telling him that’s what you hate about him but god knows he’s going to do it anyway.  Just, if you’re going to let him down do it gently.”

“Can we get on to learning now? Please?”

“Okay, okay.  What first Fireflower?”

“Alright…let’s talk about the alphabet…”

*Thursday*

_I tried that thing you said_

**What thing?**

**I say many things**

**Almost all of them are good things**

_The Great Latte Cappuccino Switch of 2015_

**Ah, yes that thing was particularly brilliant**

**How did it make you feel?**

_Like a God._

_They had no idea._

_Except_

_They came up to me after and said how much better their drink was today than usual._

_So I guess it didn’t really punish them as much as I had hoped_

**No but**

**It’s okay**

**Now for the rest of their lives, they’re going to just continue ordering that same drink**

**Each time hoping for that little touch of brilliance that they experienced today**

**However, because it was a different drink**

**They’re never going to get it.**

**That, my dear Moony, is what we call playing a long game**

_Truly a masterpiece_

_An unintended masterpiece, I’m sure._

***

**It’s been nearly 7 years at this school, you think that they would’ve figured out that detention doesn’t work on me yet.**

_You mangy mutt, what did you do this time?_

**I told them all it was James’ fault and I’m sticking to that story**

_Okay, what did JAMES do then?_

**JAMES got into a fight on the football field**

**It was beautiful Moony**

_With the opposite team?_

**No**

**A spectator**

**His ex, actually**

_What the fuck James_

**The arsehole had the nerve to call him a faggot in the middle of the game**

**Like I’m pretty sure he was as much a part of that relationship as James was**

**It was a pretty brutal breakup too, James was experimenting with his sexuality, determined he was the big old scary “Bi”**

**And dated this shithead**

**Who used him**

**Although James was still in love with Evans**

**So he wasn’t fair either**

**It was a mess**

_That poor bugger_

_But the positive is that Lily said yes!!!_

_No need to worry about stupid exes with internalized homophobia_

**Or biphobia, thank god.**

_Wait a minute_

_How did you get detention if James was the one fighting?_

**You don’t expect me to let my brother fight alone, do you?**

_No, I really don’t think you ever would._

_So how long is detention for?_

**Well, because McGonagall loves us so much**

**And because she was there**

**Only three nights**

**Usually players get booted off the team**

**Which would be horrible because James is the captain**

_I take it she doesn’t take kindly to bigots?_

  1. **In fact, today wasn’t even really detention**



**We had tea**

**And talked about Life After Hogwarts**

**She’s worried about us, rightly so**

_My detentions are usually sitting quietly and staring at the clock_

_Although, benefit of my school is that we can sign when the professor isn’t looking and they won’t be able to tell_

_So as long as there are people I like it isn’t too bad_

**Moony**

**What in god’s name have you ever done to get detention????**

_I hacked the school system_

_And made it so all the TVs read that school was canceled for the next week_

_It also may have flashed that my chemistry professor is a butt plug_

_This was directly after the outing incident._

_They couldn’t turn that particular message off until they forced me to do it._

**…**

**…**

**…**

**…**

_Yes?_

**!!!**

**!!!**

**This is Prongs**

**Sirius seems to be having a Metacrisis**

**I think you broke him**

_What’s he doing???_

**He’s lost it, that’s what**

**He dropped his phone and then started scribbling frantically in a notebook**

**I think he’s planning**

**What the hell did you do to him??**

_I shared a tidbit of information that I had previously refrained from mentioning_

_Scroll up_

**MOONY!!!!!!!!!!**

**You little asset, you!!!**

**Lily was hiding a prank bomb from us, the naughty lady**

**We have planning to do, Padfoot will have to talk to you later**

**You don’t know what you’re in for.**

***

**Okay Mooncake I’m back**

**I have the most epic prank planned**

**You’re the best thing that has ever happened to us**

_Oh? Who says I’ll do it?_

**MOONY DON’T JOKE ABOUT THIS**

**I didn’t do my homework in order to plan this**

**My hair is a mess**

**My clothes don’t match**

**I have stubble**

**You don’t understand**

**I look horrid right now**

**FOR THIS PRANK MOONY**

_I just realized you’re a bit of a drama queen, aren’t you?_

**FOR SHAME**

**FOR SHAME REMUS MOONY**

**How DARE you**

**James told me to tell you that he can’t believe it took you this long**

**I sat on James**

**Neither of u get chocolate when we go out Sunday**

_Woah woah woah_

_Withholding chocolate?_

_That is serious business…Sirius_

_I hate your name_

_I’m changing it to dog so I can still use the S word_

**I have a lovely name, wolf.**

**Now**

**Your answer**

_Okay, okay u wore me down._

_What do you need from me?_

**I need you to get me into the school’s mainframe. The rest will come later.**

_How about I do it at the coffee shop Sunday?_

_You can watch a master in action, then_

_Just don’t tell Lily_

_She thinks I should only use my powers for good_

*******

**So I know what we haven’t talked about yet**

**What are you doing for Uni?**

**It better be something computer related**

_Okay_

_See_

_That’s my plan_

_But_

**But?**

_All I have ever wanted to do is open a bakery with Lily_

_It’s what we’ve said we would do since we were little_

_Part of the reason she’s studying business, just in case_

**A techie bakery**

**I like it**

**What do you think you’re going to do?**

_Go for tech stuff_

_And bake on the side_

_And then open a bakery, while somehow working with computers?_

_This doesn’t sound like a very logical plan but I promise it works out better in my head._

**You could make computer shaped cakes as your specialty.**

_I don’t know if I’m quite that good._

**I’m sure you are Moony! Have some faith in yourself, old bean!**

_So what are your plans?_

**Education! With young children**

**What are the chances that you’re staying in London?**

_Incredibly great_

_University of London_

**JAMES AND I AS WELL**

**He’s going for law**

**That do-gooder side of him wants to be a cheap solicitor for people who need it**

**He doesn’t need the money and he wants to save everyone**

_That seems very James_

**You have no idea. I hope you aren’t too skinny**

**He’ll try to fatten you up a bit**

_Can I hide my body? Maybe a baggy cardigan or two?_

**Nope, sorry.  Everyone else has to deal with it as well so you’re screwed.**

**Anyway, we’re going to get a flat out here, since his parents live a bit further towards the country**

_My mom is really trying to get me to stay at home_

_But I don’t want to_

_Like at all_

_I’ve always been home_

_I want to live off Pot Noodle like every other poor uni student_

**I’m sure you’ll be able to convince her, Remus**

**Are you planning on living with Evans?**

_Lily would rip my balls off if I tried to move out without her_

**You two have a very odd relationship**

_You’re just weird_

**Touché.**

_No, but seri—really. I don’t know if I’d be able to move without her._

_I’d be too lonely on my own_

_And what are the chances I’d find a flatmate who could sign?_

**You know what we should do?**

**You should get a flat with a Lily across from Prongs and I!!!**

**We could have sleepovers! And Movie nights! And don’t worry, none of us mind the captions**

**Think of all the pizza**

**And James’ mom could make us curry so you wouldn’t have to eat pot noodle**

**Seriously those aren’t good for you please don’t eat them**

_Are you sure about all of this Sirius?_

_What if we don’t…work out?_

**Look Moony**

**I don’t like to give up people**

**If we end up not mashing right in a kissy-kissy oodles of love type way**

**I refuse to surrender whatever we have at the moment**

**And I hope you agree, because I’m really enjoying this**

_I think I can agree with that_

**Good, then stop being a downer and get a flat across from me**

_Okay, IF I can convince my mum and IF I can figure the money issue out and IF Lily agrees_

_Then_

_I will get a flat across from you and James, Padfoot_

**See how easy that was?**

**Now**

**I have to go to sleep in order to remain my effervescent sun-shining self so I will talk to you tomorrow**

_Good night Sirius_

**Good night Remus**

*Friday* 

**_ So I think we need to have a talk _ **

_Oh? About what?_

**_ Sirius Black _ **

**_ And you meeting him days after talking to him _ **

_Ah, but YOU know him_

_And so I think you can agree he’s not an axe-murderer_

**_ There are other things that can be wrong with him _ **

**_ He’s got commitment issues, you might get hurt _ **

**_ I’ve heard stories about all of  his ‘conquests’ _ **

_Lils_

_Do you really think I care about that?_

_Look_

_I met a really nice cute boy_

_That you technically introduced me to, might I add_

_And he makes me laugh_

_And doesn’t make me feel like I’m different_

_Or like I have some sort of “disability”_

_Like every. Other. Hearing. Person. I’ve. Met._

**_ Except me _ **

_Except you_

_And I really really want to enjoy this_

_So I appreciate you wanting to warn me_

_I do_

_But_

_You’re going to have to butt out of this a little bit otherwise_

_I want you to be happy about this_

_And looking forward to the fact we could double date_

**_ Do you want me to help you pick out an outfit for Sunday? _ **

_Thank you_

_OH, by the way we’re getting a flat across from them next year!!!!!!!!_

_Bye I love you_

**_ REMUS JOHN LUPIN _ **

***

**I have to warn you**

**That when you see me Sunday**

**I may or may not have a black eye**

**Who knows?**

**It’s a mystery**

**Only you can solve it**

_Oh Padfoot_

_Is this from the James Fight?_

**What kind of person do you think I am Moony?**

**Of course not**

**I’m really cool**

**And I got in two fights in as many days**

_No you didn’t_

**No I didn’t**

**I fell**

**Into a lamp**

**A very sharp lamp**

**Honestly, I’m lucky I didn’t lose my eye**

_You’re lucky that I find your flair for the dramatic endearing_

**At least you admit it**

**So I may not have mentioned to you Wormy yet**

**And he’s really upset**

**Because he thinks he’s always the last to know**

_Is he?_

**Well**

**Yes**

**But I don’t do it on purpose I promise**

**I’m going to warn you now he really wants to meet you**

**Apparently his aunt is Deaf?**

**And he and Evans just broke out into full BSL**

**Jesus Christ**

**I’ve lived with this boy for SEVEN YEARS**

**I’ve never known**

_Now he can give you lessons_

**Now him AND Evans can**

_Lily’s teaching you?_

**…a bit**

**It was meant to be a surprise**

**I’m horrible with surprises**

**But I learned to fingerspell!**

**And some other things**

**But Lily has assured me you’re going to make fun of me a lot**

_Lily is a witch_

**What are you two doing tonight?**

_Oh the usual_

_Ordering pizza_

_Drinking_

_Horrible pranks that lead me to talking to cute boys_

_You know, it’s whatever_

**But I’m the cutest?**

_You are absolutely the cutest_

_But really,_

_We’re going to eat and drink and be merry and probably watch a movie_

_Any suggestions?_

_We always just end up watching the same ones_

_I can only watch the Fifth Element and Burlesque so many times in a month_

**Okay**

**You came to the right person**

**While you are a book connoisseur**

**I must watch every movie in existence**

**First of all, as we’ve established previously, you never go wrong with Tim Curry**

**Clue, Home Alone 2, IT, Alice**

**Or Julie Andrews**

**Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Princess Diaries 1 AND 2**

**My personal favorite movie is DOGMA**

**It’s Jay and Silent Bob and about Catholicism**

**Highly Recommended**

**Do you like Robin Williams?**

_I’ve seen every one of his movies_

**Okay**

**There’s also a Disney night option, I’m sure you don’t need me to list those**

**Miss Congeniality, Matilda, White Chicks, She’s the Man**

**And Mamma Mia**

_Mamma Mia?_

**Guilty pleasure**

_Okay that’s a lot of options holy shit_

_That Dogma one sounds interesting_

**It’s my absolute first choice**

**My family is v v religious if you can imagine**

**And it helped me not to hate religion as a whole as much**

**It depends on your viewpoint, it could do either. But it’s a really fantastic concept**

**PLUS IT HAS ALAN RICKMAN**

_Okay I’ve decided, we’re going with that one_

_Did you have detention yet?_

**Oh yeah**

**I’m in my love’s office right now**

**And she glared at me when I asked her her favorite movie**

**She didn’t want to help you sorry**

**Hang on, she’s trying to tell me something but I wasn’t paying attention**

_That’s going to get you into trouble one day_

**Oh it already has, believe me.**

***

**Oh my god Moony**

**Oh my god**

_That better be a good oh my god_

**It is**

**It is**

**Apparently McGonagall felt really guilty about my parents last week**

**She said that she should have “Acted more like a lioness” and none of that should have occurred in her own office**

**And she bought me my own uniform**

**So I don’t have to keep nicking a skirt and blouse from the other girls**

_That’s a gesture of acceptance if I’ve ever seen one, Sirius_

**Now she’s telling me that she hopes the close-mindedness of some people doesn’t deter me from being myself around the people that really care about me**

**And just imagine all of this in a delightful Scottish accent**

**Wait**

_Oh Scottish, my favorite.  It’s right up there with French and Russian_

_And every other accent_

_Because they all sound the same to me_

_Like nothing_

**Sorry, sorry sorry**

**I’m sorry**

**I forgot**

**Shit**

_Padfoot_

_Calm down_

_I’m joking_

_You can’t see me but my eyebrow is quirked_

**If the accent doesn’t help you picture her**

**She wears a ton of tartan**

_National pride, there we go.  Something I can relate to_

_My mum’s Scottish, apparently we moved here when I was an infant_

_But I’ve spent a lot of time with family there_

**Of course you’re Scot**

**You’d love Minnie**

**I’m going to have to introduce you sometime**

**My family is this insane mix of Vietnamese and French**

**I speak it fluently (French) but I wasn’t taught a lick of Vietnamese**

**However this means that I have impeccable taste in wine**

_I can’t tell the difference between most of them_

_The whiskey must have fried my taste buds_

_I’m sure I can drink you under the table, though_

**I’m also sure you can**

**Peter and James and even Evans agree**

**She has also told me to tell you that you aren’t allowed as much as last time**

**Was last time burning penis night?**

_You make it sound so odd_

_Yes it was_

_I drank a lot._

_So much Whiskey._

**Lily also says she’s leaving now and to make sure you leave the door unlocked because the bell lights still need to be replaced and she’ll be out there for hours**

_Tell her I’m never going to replace them if she keeps it up, I’ll just go one best-friend-less and alone_

**You’ll never be alone Moony**

**Good try though**

**Oh, Prongs is excited to meet you on Sunday as well**

**Well, I am also excited to meet you which is the most important**

**But James has been told to be on his best behavior and not to mother you**

**Which he will ignore**

_I am also excited to meet the now infamous Padfoot and Prongs_

_Poor Wormtail_

**I know, we’ll have a party soon and you can meet him then**

**If you want to come, that is**

_I’m sure it’s been Lil’s goal to drag me to one before we graduate anyway, I drag her to enough things at my school_

**Do you really?**

_Of course_

_Dances, charity events, etc etc_

_Everyone there knows her_

_It doesn’t hurt that my mum’s boyfriend is the Deputy Headmaster_

_So no one really questions her anymore_

**Ur mum is dating the deputy head????**

_Oh I don’t even want to get into it_

_The first time I came home and he was there was…extremely awkward_

_They didn’t expect me home for another hour, if you catch my drift_

**Ew**

**Ewwwwwww**

**Parent sex**

_Parent and teacher sex_

_The parent-teacher conference went a little too far for my liking_

_I didn’t need a good grade that badly, mother_

_Is this how I got that scholarship????_

_Are you my new daddy??_

_What are your intentions?_

_But mother, you won’t be able to wear white on your wedding day!!!!!_

_I said all of this in about 20 seconds, all I could think to do was throw out a bunch of one-liners_

_They thought I took a turn or something_

_No, I only just walked in on my MOTHER and my PROFESSOR doing it_

**I’m convinced that my parents never engaged in that particular act**

**I was conceived in a dish probably**

**Was this before or after the hacking incident?**

_HA before, I really really should have gotten expelled for that_

_I guess it worked out, having Oliver on my side_

_Okay Flower is getting testy_

_She wants me to start the movie_

_So I’m apparently going to have to go_

**Have a shot for me**

_I’ll have three shots for you_

_I’m incredibly generous_

_I’ll talk to you tomorrow Paddycake_

**Goodnight Moonshadow**

 

*Saturday*

 

**I was expecting at least one drunk text from you last night**

**How do you keep such control of yourself?**

**I get on tables and dance**

_What in Satan’s butt crack kind of time do you call this_

**6 am?**

_Goodbye_

**It’s morning!**

**They made cinnamon rolls**

**Which means time to wake up!**

_I have no cinnamon rolls_

_And so no reason to get up_

_Sleep_

**Moooooony**

_Moony isn’t here right now_

_He is sleeping like a NORMAL PERSON_

_Robot dog._

_If you leave me alone for another 4 hours I’ll buy you a treat tomorrow_

**Oh this is getting fun**

**What kind of treat?**

_A pastry from the shop_

_Two pastries_

_Three pastries and a coffee_

_I’ll give you whatever want just let me sleep_

**Fine, lazy.**

***

_Good morning!_

**It’s one in the afternoon….**

_Yes. Yes it is._

_I had a lovely sleep_

_How were your cinnamon rolls?_

**Not as much fun once I stopped annoying you**

**They didn’t taste the same**

_Did they taste like defeat?_

**You’re laughing now**

**I already promised myself that I will never share cinnamon rolls with you again**

**You’re going to regret it**

_What if we’re at a place that sells cinnamon rolls and I order them in you presence?_

**I’ll shove it down your throat**

_Sirius!_

**Too harsh?**

**Fine**

**I’ll knock it out of your hand onto the ground so the ants get a treat.**

_You’re grumpy_

**I am, I’m sorry**

**My coffee’s wearing off and I have to go to footy practice soon**

_Are you wearing your kit?_

**Of course**

***Picture***

_YOUR FACE_

**I know, I know**

**I’m fucking gorgeous**

**I was hoping you noticed**

_You are_

_But_

_Your eye, Padfoot_

_Did you at least ice it?_

**Ice isn’t punk rock**

_Masochist_

_Put some fucking ice on it after practice_

_Or I stg I’m going to hold it on your eye all day tomorrow_

_Speaking of which_

_Lily is making me do a thing_

_I have to go_

_Text me after practice_

**Sadist**

**Okay**

***

**_ *Nope. Definitely not. Take it off.* _ **

            Remus sighed as he took off the fifteenth  shirt in his wardrobe.  If Lily took much longer then he’d only have the dirty ones left and Remus Lupin is not the kind of person who would show up to a not-date in old, smelly clothes.

_*Flower, we’ve been at this FORVER. Please. Pick something*_

**_ *You have too much brown.  You dress like an old man, moon.* _ **

_*Sirius likes it*_

**_ *No offence, my wolf but I didn’t expect you to be his type* _ **

_*I’m taking offence to that, I’m a pretty lovely person. What have you been teaching him?*_

**_ *Basic things, mostly to fingerspell.  I hate to say it but he’s picking things up quick.  You’re taking over duties soon though.* _ **

_*I will, I promise. I can’t wait until we graduate.*_

**_ *Have you said anything to your mom yet?* _ **

_*I try but every time I do she changes the subject.  I reallllllly don’t want to stay at home though*_

**_ *We need to live together, I’ll smuggle you out if I must.  Now.  You have nothing here.  We have to go shopping.* _ **

_*Flower, please.  Don’t make me.*_

**_ *Nope I’ve made up my mind.  Come on grab your wallet.* _ **

_*I’m not spending ANY of the chocolate money so you better take me someplace cheap.*_

***

_Help_

**What’s wrong??**

_Lily’s making me shop._

_I can’t shop_

_I hate it_

_It’s why I always end up in brown_

_She has a mad glint in her eye_

_That means colors_

**Colors are fun Moony!**

_But brown is the color of chocolate_

_Which you can’t go wrong with_

**Evans apparently doesn’t agree**

_Oh I know_

**What prompted this shopping excursion in the first place?**

_Oh_

_Uh_

_Fuck_

_Our not-date??_

**Oh my god**

**You don’t have to get all dressed up for me Moony!**

_That’s what I said_

_Lily didn’t agree_

_She said, and I’m only paraphrasing this slightly_

_“If I have to have Potter drooling over my outfit all night Black better be drooling over you. Maybe then they’ll both drown.”_

**She’s confident**

**How does she know he’ll be drooling?**

_Oh he will be_

_Trust me_

_I saw her outfit_

_I almost drooled._

**Now I feel the pressure to look better than her**

**I think she meant this as a challenge**

_I’m sure she didn’t Padfoot_

**Oh she did**

**Oh man**

**Now I want to go shopping**

_Take my place?_

**I would**

**Except**

**I picture you with much less leather than me**

_Lily’s mentioned_

_That’s when she was drooling_

**Evans said that??**

_The gist of it, yeah_

_I don’t think she hates you as much as she lets on_

_Or James_

**I hope she doesn’t**

**I’m really trying to be on better terms with her.**

**And we haven’t even shouted at each other since she started giving me lessons**

**I think it’s a new record.**

_I’m sure it is._

_I’ve been on her bad side before._

**How?? What did you do??**

_Sometimes I get v distracted_

_Especially if I’m doing computer things_

_And I forget to eat_

_And there was a point where it went on for 2 weeks before she stages an intervention_

_She screamed herself hoarse_

_And then she didn’t speak to me for 2 more, all she would do was show up at my house at mealtimes and bring me food_

_I felt like a puppy about to be hit with a newspaper_

**THAT’S IT**

**THAT’S THE FEELING**

**But still**

**You deserved it**

**I’ll do worse if you do that again**

**Especially during our prank**

_Ah yes, that prank I know nothing about yet_

**You’ll find out soon**

**Be patient**

**Did you buy any clothes yet?**

_Not yet, Lily keeps making me try things on_

_She just went to the pants section so I think it’s time I run away_

**Run far, far away**

**Save your dignity**

_Shit_

**What??**

***

_I was hiding in a rack of bras_

_I figured, last place she’s going to look_

_But apparently there was sound was turned up on my phone_

_Which she then heard and used to track me down_

_And then took pictures of me_

_And then took MY phone because she thinks you’re a bad influence_

_And then I had to try on clothing for another hour until she was satisfied_

**So…hypothetically, if I looked for your Facebook right now…**

_Yes the pictures would appear there._

**_[Facebook Request from Sirius Black]_ **

_Maybe I just won’t accept_

_You can suffer without being my facebook friend_

_You won’t get to see all my interesting posts_

_And I have many_

_And that will teach you to make fun of a man who was hiding to save his own skin_

**Remus**

**I stg I will figure a way to hack you**

_That’s my area of expertise, remember?_

_To save you the trouble and humiliation I’ll just add you_

_And I want to see your pictures_

_So basically I win, that’s what it boils down to._

**So many bras. So, so many bras**

**They’re all over your face**

**I can’t believe she uploaded this**

_Oh, I can_

_Lily’s evil_

_Anyway, I bought what Lily considers to be an appropriate not-date outfit, whatever that means_

**So what are you guys doing now?**

_There’s an event at my school that we wanted to stop off at tonight_

_They’re doing a play and one of my friends is the lead_

_So I promised_

**Do they do the entire show in sign?**

_Yep! It’s really beautiful_

**What show are they doing?**

_A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which is one of my absolute favorite Shakespeare works_

_I’m so excited_

**Moony! Why didn’t you try out then???**

_I got nervous_

_I walked up to put my name on the audition sheet and I choked and walked away_

_Lily didn’t let it go for weeks, the witch_

**I agree with Lily**

**You would’ve been incredible, the most expressive of the entire lot**

_There’s literally no way you could know that_

**I am incredibly optimistic and at least a little psychic**

**I know.**

_Okay Padfoot, you know_

_However, it’s too late now and at least I get to enjoy it as an audience member_

**I’m kind of jealous**

**I can’t wait until I understand more signs**

**Maybe one day**

**If you end up wanting to go on more dates**

**You could take me to some of these events?**

**I was reading online that it’s the best way to learn, to just go to events and be around the people.**

_Maybe I’m going to have to hold you that_

_And just go on a ridiculous amount of dates_

_And just pretend that it’s in order to get you included in my life_

_When really it’s just so I can look at your face all the time_

**Mooooooony**

_Paaaaaadfoot_

**Nooooooooooooooooooooo**

_Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees_

_You have the cutest face_

_I bet you’re pouting_

**I have no pout**

_And I bet you’ve got those big puppy dog eyes when you don’t get your way_

**I don’t have those either**

_Lily disagrees_

**Your best friend is horrible**

**You’re horrible**

**And you embarrass me.**

_I could stop pretty-boy_

**First**

**We both know you won’t**

**Second**

**It makes me smile so don’t**

**I’m never going to admit that so don’t even bother telling Lily or James**

_Hmmmmmmmm_

_I guess_

_As long as I know it, then they can continue to think there’s nothing beneath your punk rock exterior._

_Now I have to leave you alone_

_Don’t explode before tomorrow, okay?_

**I guess I can try**

**But you’re making it extremely difficult.**

**Now go watch your Shakespeare while I go work on my motorbike.**

_Motorbike???_

**Motorbike**

**Byeeee Moony**


End file.
